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Archive for September, 2010

Local Schools Decide to Just Give Annoying Parents Whatever the Hell They Want

Local Schools Decide to Just Give Annoying Parents Whatever the Hell They Want

Linda J. waited at the classroom door to tie her daughter’s shoes on her way out to recess.  “I just couldn’t sit at home wondering if she’d trip and fall and get bits of gravel embedded in her palms. There’s no reason why she should have to experience that kind of pain.” Meanwhile,

09.30.2010| Education |

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Stinkbug Surge Cheered By Landlords, Local Business Owners

Stinkbug Surge Cheered By Landlords, Local Business Owners

Local residents may have noticed a recent increase in the stinkbug population. Attracted by the temperate climate and the excellent shopping and cultural opportunities, the stinkbugs tell us they plan on staying for a while. “We like the convenience to metro,” said Sal Stinkbug. “And the re

09.28.2010| Culture |

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Shocked Customers Learn Whole Foods to Stock Organic Products

Shocked Customers Learn Whole Foods to Stock Organic Products

Bethesda is reeling today with the news that Whole Foods plans to stock genuine organic products. One shopper at the River Road store told BWN: “We’re used to the fake organics. Real organics will just confuse us. I mean, I used to think everything here was organic.” She looked around nervousl

09.20.2010| Business |

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Shopper Makes Actual Purchase in Le Creuset Shop

Shopper Makes Actual Purchase in Le Creuset Shop

At 10:33 this morning, a shopper made an actual purchase at the Bethesda Lane Le Creuset store.  When the call came to the Sit-Room of the Bethesda Chamber of Secrets, there was celebration.  Jim K. popped the cork on a champagne bottle, and his associate, Susan G., sobbed at her desk. "Tears o

09.20.2010| Business |

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Entrepreneur Opens Spanx Cart, Hopes to End Bethesda 'Squash-Bottom'

Entrepreneur Opens Spanx Cart, Hopes to End Bethesda ‘Squash-Bottom’

by Jack and Josey Knestout “Let’s be honest; people look at each other’s butts. We want to pretend we don’t, but we all do” Barbara (“Babs”) Dandicat comments. “Let’s face it; there’s really not much else of interest on the human backside.” It’s that Bethesda backsi

09.12.2010| Business |

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Old Georgetown Road Pothole Aspires to Greatness

Old Georgetown Road Pothole Aspires to Greatness

It’s a sad tale, and one we hear all too often.  Just when a pothole is discovering its full-depth potential,  someone comes along and fills it in. “I’m numb.  I can’t feel the cars driving over me anymore,” said the pothole on Old Georgetown Road at Huntington Parkway. “I wish I c

09.10.2010| Culture |

1 Comment
With Cupcakes Now Legal, Customers Go Public

With Cupcakes Now Legal, Customers Go Public

Now that cupcakes are allowed a storefront, patrons have no need to hide.  “I used to have to go to the schoolyard at midnight to buy these,” said one man, who refused to give his name.  “Now you can get them right out in the open, in broad daylight, at a licensed business.” Another man

09.7.2010| Culture |

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Ring of Parking Thieves Discovered, Arrests Made

Ring of Parking Thieves Discovered, Arrests Made

Numerous arrests were made in the parking lot at Woodmont and Bethesda avenues, when police discovered a ring of thieves who were stealing your parking space.  The thieves would stay out of sight, while unsuspecting drivers waited patiently in the lot for someone to vacate a space.  The moment

09.3.2010| Culture |

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