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Bar Mitzvah Moms Come to Blows Over Bagels & Lox: Solomon Called On to Make It Even

Bar Mitzvah Moms Come to Blows Over Bagels & Lox: Solomon Called On to Make It Even

The mothers of two Bar Mitzvah boys had to “take the discussion outside” before the shared Torah service began at Temple Shalom on Saturday.  The Grossworts demanded the Chertkinoffs pretend not to be there, but just pay for everything.  After the Chertkinoffs refused to bow out of their own s

10.10.2011| Culture |

1 Comment
New Bus Rapid Transit System May Ease Traffic in 2040! Cause for Celebration!

New Bus Rapid Transit System May Ease Traffic in 2040! Cause for Celebration!

The County Council proposed a new bus rapid transit system that they predict will take more than 80,000 commuters off congested County roadways. Some on the Council were skeptical.  “I don’t get it. What’s in it for developers?” asked Council member Fiona Norris. “Every bus will be

10.6.2011| Culture, Featured |

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Ragtag group of demonstrators threatens Wall Street by looking goofy

Ragtag group of demonstrators threatens Wall Street by looking goofy

Current spokesman, "Davy Crockett": "We’re going to sit here for as long as it takes to figure out what, exactly, we want."

09.30.2011| Culture |

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Fiesta Night to Replace Back-to-School Night as School Year Kick-Off Event

Fiesta Night to Replace Back-to-School Night as School Year Kick-Off Event

In a move to transform Back-to-School night into a low-stress evening of fun social interaction, Montgomery County public school administrators have replaced it with Fiesta Night. Instead of viewing boring PowerPoints about curricula, schedules, and rules, parents will be encouraged to drink margari

08.29.2011| Education |

1 Comment
Council Declares Countywide “Day of Freedom for Shoes Hanging From Power Lines”

Council Declares Countywide “Day of Freedom for Shoes Hanging From Power Lines”

The occasion was marked by a parade through Kensington, as county maintenance workers raised cherry-pickers and removed the offending shoes along the parade route. Why declare a Day of Freedom for these abandoned shoes?  “This is a tight budget environment,” explained Luke R., county spokesm

08.10.2011| Culture |

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Michelle Bachmann Signs Pledge to Take Lollipops Away From Children

Michelle Bachmann Signs Pledge to Take Lollipops Away From Children

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has signed a pledge that if elected, she will "make sure all the fun is sucked out of Americans' lives forever." Among other points, the pledge states that Bachmann will pretend to uphold the Constitution while also pretending the banana in her ear is a tele

07.8.2011| Culture |

1 Comment
Council meets resistance over smoking ban on playgrounds, votes to ban children instead

Council meets resistance over smoking ban on playgrounds, votes to ban children instead

County Council members were split on whether to prohibit smoking at county playgrounds to protect children from secondhand smoke inhalation.  Four members voted on either side of the issue, while another member, who otherwise might have broken the tie, was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette. To

06.29.2011| Culture |

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US Open Souvenir Sales Boom, Planners Consider Adding Actual Golf Tournament

US Open Souvenir Sales Boom, Planners Consider Adding Actual Golf Tournament

People who came from miles around to purchase a souvenir 2011 U.S. Open Golf Tournament hat won’t be disappointed.  There are 14,000 hats for sale in the U.S. Open Souvenir Pavilion at Congressional Country Club, according to Wesley Compton, pavilion manager. The pavilion is the length of a footb

06.14.2011| Culture |

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A Shot of Our Junk

A Shot of Our Junk

Seriously, what's the big deal?

06.7.2011| Culture |

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Breaking News:  Something Bad Happened at Sidwell Friends School, and Everyone Whose kids Didn’t Get In Can’t Wait to Tell You About It!

Breaking News: Something Bad Happened at Sidwell Friends School, and Everyone Whose kids Didn’t Get In Can’t Wait to Tell You About It!

In the latest scandal involving the school attended by President Obama’s daughters, who have nothing to do with this story, but need to be mentioned in every story about Sidwell Friends School, forever and ever--and by the way, Chelsea Clinton went there, too-- What were we saying?

05.13.2011| Education |

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School Board Selects Cardboard Cutout to Succeed Superintendent Weast; <br>James Franco to Film Weast Biopic

School Board Selects Cardboard Cutout to Succeed Superintendent Weast;
James Franco to Film Weast Biopic

“We were all pretty depressed about School Superintendent Jerry Weast’s impending retirement.  I could hardly get out of bed in the morning,” said Board Member Frank Pierce.  “We may be one of the finest school districts in the country, but you don’t get that way without doin

04.27.2011| Education |

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PRESS RELEASE: Treat Your iPad to Dinner-- It’s Restaurant Week!

PRESS RELEASE: Treat Your iPad to Dinner– It’s Restaurant Week!

It’s Restaurant Week in Bethesda! That means 11 out of the 2,375 restaurants in Bethesda are offering Special Menus to appeal to customers.  We would have called it, “A Handful-of-Old-Hat-Restaurants-Feeling-Threatened-By-New-Competition-Would-Like-to-Remind-You-They-Exist-By-Offering-Discount

04.13.2011| Business |

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Recipe for a Smugtini...or something...

Recipe for a Smugtini…or something…

Dear Editors: I'm much too busy and successful to care what's in a smugtini. It's vodka and it's chilled and I want to see what the t-shirt looks like before I accept it. Thankfully we will be having Smut-tinis later which involve my husband submersing his sausage and peppers in ve

04.4.2011| Culture |

3 Comments
Shops Find that Offering Free Drugs and Alcohol to Customers Improves Sales

Shops Find that Offering Free Drugs and Alcohol to Customers Improves Sales

After learning that a local denim store provides beer to shoppers (Bethesda Gazette, 3/30/11), nearby businesses decided to cash in on the trend.  Equator Fitness now offers pre-workout Ritalin and post-workout Oxycontin to members.  Boring Noble Books provides Xanax for those shopping in the busi

04.4.2011| Business |

1 Comment
New Walter Reed Medical Center Issues Simplified Employee Parking Guidelines

New Walter Reed Medical Center Issues Simplified Employee Parking Guidelines

The Walter Reed National Military Medical Center has announced that the addition of 2,500 new employees due to BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) will result in a reduced ratio of available parking spaces on campus.  Before BRAC, there was one parking space for every two employees, now there will

03.28.2011| Culture |

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