Bar Mitzvah Moms Come to Blows Over Bagels & Lox: Solomon Called On to Make It Even
The mothers of two Bar Mitzvah boys had to “take the discussion outside” before the shared Torah service began at Temple Shalom on Saturday. The Grossworts demanded the Chertkinoffs pretend not to be there, but just pay for everything. After the Chertkinoffs refused to bow out of their own son’s Bar Mitzvah, chanting “Nya Nya Nya Nya Nya Nya,” Mrs. Grosswort snuck into the room where the post-service luncheon was being arranged, snatched an onion bagel heavy with lox, and threatened to hold it hostage until the Chertkinoffs agreed to disappear and let her little Sammy fly solo on the Torah. On seeing Mrs. Grosswort wave the bagel in a threatening manner, the Rabbi took the battling women outside.
“You will have to be Solomon,” demanded Mrs. Grosswort. “You have to cut the bagel in half. And I want THIS half,” and with that, she took a bite.
“NO,” screamed Mrs. Chertkinoff—“Let it stay intact. We will give up the bagel to you rather than see it reduced to a size that will satisfy none of our guests.”
When Mrs. Grosswort heard those words, a cloud of steam appeared around her head, and she began to shriek. The congregation ran to look, but when they got there, there was nothing left save a leaden matzah ball, a puddle of soup spreading out around it. The bagel, a single bite taken out, fell into the chicken soup, rendering the whole mess unKosher. Meanwhile, the Chertkinoffs’s son became Bar Mitzvah in a touching ceremony. Shalom and Mazel Tov to all.