Bethesda Population Increase Attributable to People Having Sex
by Paula Whyman & Carolyn Parkhurst
According to the latest data, Bethesda is seeing a dramatic increase in the number of children in the area. Whereas on the national level, the average family includes 1.8 children, in Bethesda, the average is 3.475. This points to a growing trend, says demographics expert Warren T.: Couples are having more unprotected sex.
One mother pushing a triple stroller explained, “Sure, I’d heard rumors that having sex without birth control might lead to a baby being born, but when you’re in that situation you don’t necessarily think about the consequences.”
“It’s like so embarrassing,” said Taylor, 16. “I mean, my mom is PREGNANT. She may as well have taken out an ad in the newspaper announcing that she and my dad aren’t just living like brother and sister.”
Some teens are worried that parents are not facing the facts of life. “I can’t believe they want to have four kids. Aren’t me and my brothers enough trouble?” said Justin, 15. “And who do they think is going to be taking care of this alleged baby? If they’re expecting me to change diapers, they’re going to be sadly mistaken. They got into this mess themselves, and they’ll have to deal with the consequences.”
“You can’t walk down Bethesda Ave. without tripping on a stroller,” said Florence G., a single apartment-dweller. “And when I see a man and a woman with those kids, well, I have to look away, because all I can think about is what they did to make it happen.”
Said Stacy L., 17, “We don’t have the infrastructure here to support all these babies that will become school age kids. It’s totally irresponsible.”
So, what message would Stacy and others her age like to send to prospective parents? Justin summed it up: “Keep it in your pants, dude.”
Demographics expert Warren T. explained, “It might be that people with kids are moving to Bethesda from somewhere else, but the fact is that at some point, they had sex, and they are not taking precautions. That is not in question.”
Marla S., parent of four, concurs, “It’s true, we had unprotected sex on multiple occasions. We threw caution to the wind.” But Marla’s doubts were apparently weaker than her self-control. Concerned neighbors report that only two days after this interview, Marla’s husband was seen coming home from work with a bouquet of roses and an expensive bottle of Pinot Grigio.
