“You will have to be Solomon,” demanded Mrs. Grosswort. “You have to cut the bagel in half.  And I want THIS half,” and with that, she took a bite.

“NO,” screamed Mrs. Chertkinoff—“Let it stay intact.  We will give up the bagel to you rather than see it reduced to a size that will satisfy none of our guests.”

When Mrs. Grosswort heard those words, a cloud of steam appeared around her head, and she began to shriek.  The congregation ran to look, but when they got there, there was nothing left save a leaden matzah ball, a puddle of soup spreading out around it.  The bagel, a single bite taken out, fell into the chicken soup, rendering the whole mess unKosher.  Meanwhile, the Chertkinoffs’s son became Bar Mitzvah in a touching ceremony.  Shalom and Mazel Tov to all.

Some on the Council were skeptical.  “I don’t get it. What’s in it for developers?” asked Council member Fiona Norris.

“Every bus will be its own self-contained retail/residential complex,” said Charlie Frake.  “You can shop on the bus, you can sleep on the bus.”

“That’s more like it,” said Norris.

“There are faster ways to take 80,000 people off the road,” said Gary Rollenbeck, a Silver Spring resident who commutes by bicycle.  “Just make them walk across the street at Georgia and Colesville during rush hour.”

The transit system is expected to be fully operational by 2040, when everyone who cares about it will have forgotten, and everyone who paid taxes to support it will be dead.

Fast forward, May 2040:  Twenty-eight-year-old Jim Farmington asks, “What are these buses for?  And why can’t I take the jet pack to work like everyone else?”

“The biggest barrier I see to moving forward with this bus system is that none of us will be in office to take credit for the project when it’s finished,” said Council member Ron Spoork.

Council members nodded in agreement and tabled the project indefinitely.

Current spokesman, “Davy Crockett”: “We’re going to sit here for as long as it takes to figure out what, exactly, we want.”

“Anyone who’s interested after all those margaritas” can still discuss curricula and meet teachers, says one unnamed administrator, but in a less formal, more relaxed atmosphere they hope will get parents to “just chill out already” when it comes to their child’s education.

Why declare a Day of Freedom for these abandoned shoes?  “This is a tight budget environment,” explained Luke R., county spokesman. “Basically, this is all we could afford to do, so at least it looks like we’re doing something besides approving more high-rise condos. And if you throw in a parade, everyone’s happy.”

But why now, when some of these shoes have been hanging there for years, decades even?  “What else is there to do in August?” said Luke.

“Shop for school supplies,” said Bethesda resident Mary S., as she watched a pair of high-tops fall to the ground.

“Leave Bethesda for the Outer Banks,” said her husband Brian, as he tried on the shoes.

The council spokesman became misty-eyed. “That pair there has been hanging on the power line since I was a boy.”

At that, his brother hit him over the head with his iPad and said, “You doofus, those are my shoes. You tossed them up there when I was eight.”

“Nuh-ah,” said Luke.

“Ya-hah,” said his brother.

Shoes that are in good condition will be donated to local soccer teams. Pairs of shoes that are in poor condition will be separated and left individually in random locations throughout the county, primarily in tall weeds by the side of the road, in anticipation of Collection Day for Mysteriously Single Shoes Left By the Side of the Road, currently projected for the year 2023.

Among other points, the pledge states that Bachmann will pretend to uphold the Constitution while also pretending the banana in her ear is a telephone. When questioned about this particular point, Bachmann said, “I can’t hear you, there’s a banana in my ear.”

When she was told that perhaps this was the problem, Bachmann insisted she must continue to hold the banana in order to ensure that it did not end up on the ground, “where someone might slip on it and accidentally marry a homosexual.”

Bachmann promised to enforce all aspects of the pledge, which includes a rule that married couples must sit glumly on the couch with each other at night drinking Fresca and watching TBN, instead of watching internet porn on separate laptops, as well as a ban on ironic trucker hats.

When asked how such rules would be policed, Bachmann replied, “Fresca? Maybe I should have read the fine print…”

Note: If you’d like to read the actual pledge Bachmann signed, it’s here.  BWN recommends it as an appetite suppressant only, and not one appropriate for children–

http://thinkprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/The-Family-Leader-Presidential-Pledge.pdf

Tobacco industry lobbyist, Stuart Snekoyl, insists that the true, hidden goal of anti-smoking legislation is to stop people from smoking. “It’s a sneaky thing to do, like when the Greeks built that wooden horse, if they’d built it in the shape of a child, and stuck a cigarette in its mouth—It’s just like that,” he said.

One unidentified council member insisted this was a misinterpretation of the County’s goals. “We just don’t like the smell on our clothes,” she said.

“How dare they interfere with an American’s God-given freedom to do stupid shit that impacts other people?” protested Snekoyl. “Our entire history is based on the freedom to do stupid shit and not care about the consequences.”

After several hours of debate, a compromise was reached.  Instead of banning smoking, the Council has voted to ban children from county playgrounds.

“Problem solved!” said the missing council member when he returned from the restroom.

What about kids being able to play outside? BWN wondered.

“These are not easy decisions,” one council member lamented. “You have to weigh one person’s freedom to smoke against another one’s freedom to not smoke.  Who wins? Luckily, kids are resilient. But in the case where a child has trouble adjusting, where maybe playing outside in the fresh air has become habit-forming for that child, well, that’s something we need to look at.  Intervention may be required.”

In anticipation of this issue, the Council has formed a task force to study the problem of children who feel compelled to play outside.

Next up: A proposal to ban office workers from lingering at the entrance to a building during the work day, if they are not smoking.

“I told the organizers, I have an idea,” said Compton. “While everyone’s here buying stuff, why not have some of the best golfers in the country come out and play a tournament?”

“Interesting. Do you think people will watch?” asked BWN.

“I don’t know,” said Lon Reilly, the event organizer and primary sponsor.  “It seems kind of beside the point. We’d have to sex it up. Like have a bunch of great-looking men and hot women in skimpy golf attire compete with each other.”

“Golf battle of the sexes,” said Compton. “With clandestine meetings in the rough.”

“Exactly,” said Reilly. “And the best male and female players get engaged at the end.”

“We could charge a lot more for the hats,” said Compton.

Meanwhile, in the souvenir pavilion, some of the top names in golf manned the cash registers.  At least, that’s what we were told.  None of them looked familiar.  There was a rumor that sometime over the weekend, the players might actually go out on the course and play, but for now they were needed in the pavilion. BWN asked shopper Margaret L. which player she most hoped to encounter at the U.S. Open.

“Um, I’ve only heard of Tiger Woods,” said Margaret.

We pointed out that Woods is not participating, but we would run his photo with this article, because then people would read it.

Margaret said, “I just want a hat to prove I was here,” and then disappeared behind a towel display.

BWN asked Compton, “If you don’t actually see golf being played, were you here?”

“It’s like an air shot,” Compton replied, gazing up and squinting at the sun from under his Official U.S. Open visor. “It’s a miss, but it still counts.”

“That’s very deep,” said BWN.

Seriously, what’s the big deal?

In the latest scandal involving the school attended by President Obama’s daughters, who have nothing to do with this story, but need to be mentioned in every story about Sidwell Friends School, forever and ever–and by the way, Chelsea Clinton went there, too–

What were we saying?

A parent of a Sidwell student has sued Sidwell Friends School because the school psychologist had an affair with his wife. In order to spare the child further humiliation, the story has been reported by all the major area newspapers.  It’s alleged that the school psychologist, who left his position at Sidwell in February, sent “explicit” emails to his lady-love using his school email account.

Word to the school psychologist: Duh.

In other news, the parents involved received the PTA’s Classy Parenting Award.

Just kidding!  That’s a Bethesda World News award.  If the winners are reading this, Congratulations!

Everyone whose kids didn’t get into the elite private school stood by snickering and grinning smugly solemnly shaking their heads when they heard the shocking news out of Sidwell.

“Ha-ha!” said one parent, who declined to be identified.

“We were all pretty depressed about School Superintendent Jerry Weast’s impending retirement.  I could hardly get out of bed in the morning,” said Board Member Frank Pierce.  “We may be one of the finest school districts in the country, but you don’t get that way without doing stuff.  Weast did stuff.  And now we need someone else to do that stuff the same way he did.”

Board Member Sheila Marvin explained, “When we hit on the solution, it was so elegant, it solved everything:  The cardboard cutout.  We tried other ideas.  A paper doll, for instance, but it wouldn’t stand up, you had to tape it to the fridge, so that was no good.  And then we tried a corn husk doll, but it got eaten by beetles.  So, then we went to an action figure, but it just didn’t have an imposing enough presence.”

“Everything’s good here as a result of Superintendent Weast’s years of work,” said Board Member Scott Speckler, “including increased time spent in testing prep even in high-performing schools; the institutionalized shunning of those nerds, the gifted and talented; and the shoving aside of special ed students who can’t improve test stats. What we’re left with is a bunch of above average high achievers who will someday run this great country of ours, or at least go to law school.  All this thanks to Weast!”

Parent Advocacy Council rep Melanie Watkins said, “I hope the superintendent cutout will make an appearance at school now and then, and even be willing to meet with us.  Every time we requested meetings with Weast, all we got was an autographed photo.”

Said Marvin, “With this cardboard cutout at the helm, Weast’s work can continue, and we can preserve the status quo. We think everyone will be please with that outcome.”  The cardboard cutout (pictured above) bears a striking resemblance to its predecessor.

Meanwhile, news out of Hollywood is that James Franco has bought the rights to Superintendent Weast’s life story.  Franco told BWN, “Here is a human story that needs to be told. A man grows up on a midwestern farm and takes on the tough assignment of working in suburban comfort to not screw up some good schools and to sort of pay attention to the ones that are less good. Who would not find that compelling?”

Franco will play the role of Weast as a young, scrappy up-and-comer, while the seasoned, older Superintendent Weast will be played by Harvey Keitel.

We want you to have a Special Experience and still have plenty of jack left to shop on Bethesda Row!  In fact, we gently suggest that before you are fit to be seen at a Top-ish Restaurant, you need to buy a few things.  Stop in to each one of the gauntlet of boutiques positioned strategically in your path!  How about a chic new wrap and a cute pair of shoes to wear to dinner?  How about a bracelet?  And while you’re at it, you could use some exfoliating cream, and we hate to mention it, but how about a refresh on the highlights?  And get a little juiced before your meal—buy a bottle of wine at the fancy wine shop!  Just don’t drink it in public, or if you do, put it in a bag, like that guy who hangs out by the parking garage.  In fact, you could ask him to share, which is what we call a “tasting!” And last but decidedly not least, before dinner, stop into the Apple store, and purchase an iPad.  Your new iPad will be hungry!  Take it to dine with you in one of Bethesda’s Top-ish Restaurants!  Wondering how much an iPad eats?*  Don’t worry!  With Restaurant Week’s Special Discount Menus, your iPad will not blow the budget.

*Three-course meals only, and no ordering from the children’s menu. Your iPad doesn’t do mac and cheese.

Restaurant Week extends through April 17. It is brought to you by FancyPants Real Estate, specializing in making you feel better about shopping at strip malls by designing them to look like Faux-Europe!

Dear Editors:

I’m much too busy and successful to care what’s in a smugtini. It’s vodka and it’s chilled and I want to see what the t-shirt looks like before I accept it.

Thankfully we will be having Smut-tinis later which involve my husband submersing his sausage and peppers in vermouth before dangling in my perfectly chilled Grey Goose.

Hopefully American Tap Room will pick up this recipe soon to add to their so oh-so-smartly lit menu.

Brenda Cullen

Dear Brenda:

This sounds like a first-rate recipe.  Though the sausage…dangling… in your martini glass presents a mental picture we’re not sure we want to keep seeing every time we close our eyes.  And, it seems like it could cause a bit of a spill.  We suggest a double old-fashioned for that, at the very least.

Thank you for writing!  We’ll let you know if you won the T-shirt.  Though you might want to opt instead for the bib.

Warmly,

The Editors

Dear Editors:

Your e-mail is distracting and making me spill my iced latte. How am expected to beep at that ridiculous Smart Car in CC Circle? With my feet??

I still would like to see the t-shirt although a pretty salmon shirt from lululemon would suffice. That store is so the place to be despite you -know-what.

Sincerely,
Brenda
Brenda

Dear Brenda Brenda,

Are you the Doublemint Twins?  Because we can only offer one shirt.  As the weather is getting warmer, we opted for this breathable style.  Here is a picture of a voluptuous model wearing our prize shirt:

Please let us know what size you prefer.  Thank you again for writing, and congratulations!

Sincerely,

The Editors

Local restaurants are experimenting with marijuana and wine pairings.  “It’s totally increasing the amount of food people order,” said one waiter at a local bistro.  “But I keep having to say we don’t carry Nacho Cheese Doritos.”

We talked with the manager of the denim store that started the trend.  What was behind the decision to serve alcohol to customers?

“We found that, if a woman is drunk, she won’t notice how big her ass still looks in $200 jeans,” the manager explained.

At 8am, Lori will arrive and park her car in space A3.  At 8:30am Chad will arrive.  Lori will take a cigarette break, pull her car out of space A3, and into space C7, which will be vacated by Cynthia.  At 10am, Chad will take Cynthia’s space at E14, and Devon will idle in Lot C for 20 minutes.  At the end of 20 minutes, Janet will vacate E10 to visit her sick mother, and Devon will park there.  Floyd and Janet will idle for a half hour, then they will get a room at the Econolodge.  This will be called “telecommuting.”  At 11am, Perry and Nia will go to Starbucks.  Chad, Lori, and Janet will do donuts on the Medical Center lawn while waiting for spaces to open up.  Rudolfo and Lisa will park in the spaces left empty by Perry and Nia (instructions continued on page 471).

In case there are further questions, the Medical Center will also provide the attached helpful diagram, to be labeled and updated daily.  Patience is urged while everyone adjusts to the new system.