Michelle Bachmann Signs Pledge to Take Lollipops Away From Children
Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has signed a pledge that if elected, she will “make sure all the fun is sucked out of Americans’ lives forever.”
Among other points, the pledge states that Bachmann will pretend to uphold the Constitution while also pretending the banana in her ear is a telephone. When questioned about this particular point, Bachmann said, “I can’t hear you, there’s a banana in my ear.”
When she was told that perhaps this was the problem, Bachmann insisted she must continue to hold the banana in order to ensure that it did not end up on the ground, “where someone might slip on it and accidentally marry a homosexual.”
Bachmann promised to enforce all aspects of the pledge, which includes a rule that married couples must sit glumly on the couch with each other at night drinking Fresca and watching TBN, instead of watching internet porn on separate laptops, as well as a ban on ironic trucker hats.
When asked how such rules would be policed, Bachmann replied, “Fresca? Maybe I should have read the fine print…”
Note: If you’d like to read the actual pledge Bachmann signed, it’s here. BWN recommends it as an appetite suppressant only, and not one appropriate for children–