Montgomery Council Votes to Preserve Nine Police Officers in County Schools*
School administrators cheered the Council’s decision to keep the police officers in school, forever.
Following the decision, the officers were humanely immobilized and encased in amber. They will be distributed throughout area high schools, where they will be placed in strategic locations at entrances, in hallways, and outside restrooms as a deterrent to bad behavior. Students who are sent to detention face an afternoon with a preserved officer watching over them. While it was not explicitly stated, officials are allowing that students who repeatedly violate rules could be in for harsher punishments.
“When we saw what they did to Officer K.,” said student Taylor H, “that scared the crap out of us. I haven’t been late to class since.”
“I know, right?” said student Jake R. “Who wants to be encased in amber? That f’g smarts.”
There was a brief debate about the best way to preserve the officers. Amber won for its “antique-y” appearance and associations with the Jurassic Park films. Discarded options included Lucite and formaldehyde. Along with pickling, the latter was ruled out due to the smell.
Superstitious students have taken to rubbing Officer K’s belt buckle for good luck during exam week.
Principal Roger Day, Riteman High School: “We’re really glad to have the Officers here. They’re an important part of our school’s culture and a boost to morale. And absolutely no meth has been found on school property since the preserved police were placed in the halls.”
The school’s pep club plans to incorporate the police into Homecoming and Prom celebrations. “We want the preserved police to play a prominent role,” said Principal Day. “And we hope their presence will discourage dirty dancing.”
The preserved officers declined to comment on this story, but their sharp, penetrating gazes said it all: They’re in for the long haul.
*an actual headline that appeared in Gazette.net newspaper
