Pentagon to Study Bethesda Pedestrians, Super Powers Suspected
Pentagon officials launched an investigation after finding that hundreds of Bethesda pedestrians cross against the light, jaywalk, and ignore oncoming traffic whenever and wherever they please.
“According to our surveillance, there is absolutely no fear of mortality among citizens in the Bethesda area,” said Pentagon official Bernard S. “No logical explanation exists for their complete disregard for pedestrian traffic laws; clearly, something else is going on.”
The Pentagon has captured and is currently studying a wide cross-section of Bethesda pedestrians for the possession of special skills including force field building, shape shifting, invisibility, and impenetrable armor.
“Every time I drive through the Bethesda Row area, people get so close to my car I almost bounce them off my hood,” said Carl F., a local driver. “And they give me a look like I’m the idiot.”
The Bethesda Chamber of Secrets released a statement in response to the Pentagon study: “Bethesda pedestrians are the best people on Earth. When they jaywalk, it’s only because they are temporarily distracted by the many fabulous options for dining and shopping that we are proud to offer here in Bethesda. It is true that they have highly developed peripheral vision and eyes in the back of their heads. Anyone can develop these skills by either living in Bethesda or becoming a parent.”
“I was driving down Bradley Boulevard, and this guy appeared in the middle of the road,” reported local resident Sara W. “I slammed on my brakes because I thought, ‘maybe it’s Jesus.’ I mean, who else would walk in the middle of a busy two-lane road? But, when I got a closer look – it was truly just some guy walking in the middle of the road.”
The Pentagon released an official statement: “The government has no plans for harnessing the super powers of Bethesda pedestrians for any international defensive actions. We are only curious as to what could possibly be keeping them alive.”