School Board Selects Cardboard Cutout to Succeed Superintendent Weast;
James Franco to Film Weast Biopic
“We were all pretty depressed about School Superintendent Jerry Weast’s impending retirement. I could hardly get out of bed in the morning,” said Board Member Frank Pierce. “We may be one of the finest school districts in the country, but you don’t get that way without doing stuff. Weast did stuff. And now we need someone else to do that stuff the same way he did.”
Board Member Sheila Marvin explained, “When we hit on the solution, it was so elegant, it solved everything: The cardboard cutout. We tried other ideas. A paper doll, for instance, but it wouldn’t stand up, you had to tape it to the fridge, so that was no good. And then we tried a corn husk doll, but it got eaten by beetles. So, then we went to an action figure, but it just didn’t have an imposing enough presence.”
“Everything’s good here as a result of Superintendent Weast’s years of work,” said Board Member Scott Speckler, “including increased time spent in testing prep even in high-performing schools; the institutionalized shunning of those nerds, the gifted and talented; and the shoving aside of special ed students who can’t improve test stats. What we’re left with is a bunch of above average high achievers who will someday run this great country of ours, or at least go to law school. All this thanks to Weast!”
Parent Advocacy Council rep Melanie Watkins said, “I hope the superintendent cutout will make an appearance at school now and then, and even be willing to meet with us. Every time we requested meetings with Weast, all we got was an autographed photo.”
Said Marvin, “With this cardboard cutout at the helm, Weast’s work can continue, and we can preserve the status quo. We think everyone will be please with that outcome.” The cardboard cutout (pictured above) bears a striking resemblance to its predecessor.
Meanwhile, news out of Hollywood is that James Franco has bought the rights to Superintendent Weast’s life story. Franco told BWN, “Here is a human story that needs to be told. A man grows up on a midwestern farm and takes on the tough assignment of working in suburban comfort to not screw up some good schools and to sort of pay attention to the ones that are less good. Who would not find that compelling?”
Franco will play the role of Weast as a young, scrappy up-and-comer, while the seasoned, older Superintendent Weast will be played by Harvey Keitel.